Writing this blog used to make me feel
brilliant. Not that anything I had to say was particularly smart or
witty, but because people chose to read it. I mean, when you think
about it, the idea that I had any views at all was spectacular
considering there are about 7 billion people on this planet, and many
write books and many write blogs and I believe a lot of people write
a little bit of something every now and then, and out of all of the
things in the world to read a person would choose to take five
minutes out of his or her day and read what I had to say. How
amazing is that? There are tons of smart, funny, sophisticated
writers in the world, but some people thought “Hey, I'm going to
see what Theresa has to say today”. The idea of that always
astounded me. When I started getting a few thousand page views, I
felt like a total celebrity! It's silly, I know, but it always made
me feel good. Also, I have met some wonderful people online and have
very much enjoyed reading their thoughts and views and recipes and
stories. So, why can't I get my act together and write like I used
to?
Sometimes, there are things in life
that happen, that are so bad, one begins to doubt their own soul.
One major catastrophe in my personal life led to another which led to
another, which led to yet another. So many bad things happened to my
family in a span of about six months that it has made me question my
judgment, my sanity, my heart and whether or not I am fit to be
around other human beings. I am writing about this because I find it
easier to write than to talk.
Talking is exhausting. Friends and
family are so eager to talk about everything and every little detail.
I don't enjoy talking anyway. I have begun to learn that from
childhood on, when I talk, no one listens. I am either considered
too stupid to know what I'm talking about or too unsophisticated to
have anything worth listening to. It isn't anyone's fault, it's just
the way I have always been perceived and probably always will. I'm
not a person that jumps into a conversation feet first. I usually
sit and listen for a long time before making any remarks, just so I
am certain that I know what I'm talking about. I like to get a feel
for the tone of the conversation and decide whether or not the group
is receptive to new ideas or not. There are many times I have will
be challenged in a view or a memory or an opinion. I like this very
much unless I know that the person or persons I am speaking with are
so firm in their beliefs that it will do me no good to share a
different viewpoint. In those conversations I just have to say
“Okay, you're right” and let it go at that. I have no idea why I
have veered off onto this rabbit trail, I apologize.
My original point was, that talking can
be tiresome and frankly, lately, I've been too lazy to put much
effort into talking or anything else. Including this blog. I am so
sorry to any person who has picked this to read today. I am writing
on a Sunday, so I am hoping not very many people will be around to
read this self indulgent entry.
I do want to get back to writing this
on a daily, or maybe every other day basis to start with. It has
brought me so much joy over the time I had faithfully worked on it.
I got to laugh at my own ridiculous situations and it gave me
something to be proud of.
Maybe that's what the matter is. I
just don't feel proud of anything anymore. I feel like I let my
family down and especially let my daughter down. I let myself down
and I let down people I love more than I love myself. I have taken a
positive step and gotten a therapist, and I'm hoping to get better
soon. It's odd, I've even stopped looking in mirrors because I don't
like what I see. That sounds terribly dramatic like something out of
a Victorian novel, and my brain knows it's an absurd behavior, but
when I try and look up for a second, I'm repulsed by what I see and I
look down again. I plan on covering this in my next therapy session
as I can't imagine people will be willing to be seen with me in
public much longer, at least not without expecting a bribe.
What I mean to say is this: my next
several posts are likely to be soppy and self absorbed and whiny and
even angry. I have avoided writing because I wanted to avoid any
posts like that. It's too hard for me to pop up with a cute post as
if nothing were the matter and try to make myself laugh when I really
am not laughing at all right now. I wrote on this blog everyday for
so long, I feel like I was sharing my life with whoever reads this.
I know I don't have to share everything in a public forum, but this
blog has been a natural extenuation of my thoughts. So instead of
stuffing my thoughts, I am going to write them out-loud, and share
them and not worry about whether anyone is reading this or not.
Eventually, I will get better and I'll find funny things again once I
start leaving the house so that funny things can happen to me, and
I'll share those things. And eventually I'll remember that life is
really just a bunch of weird random snapshots that are generally
silly and fun if you look at it the right way. I'll remember that
and I'll laugh until I do that horrid snort that sometimes pops out.
That will feel so good. I haven't snorty-laughed in so long that I
don't remember the last time I did it. Until then, bear with me and
if you continue to read, thank you for sharing this journey with me.
-T
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