Monday, January 28, 2019

My Quantum of Solace


So, I am in the middle of cleaning my guest room/art room and I’ve picked up approximately three objects and therefore am in desperate need of a rest. I just figured while I’m recovering my strength and sipping my tea and rum (Hey, it’s good), that I would write about why I began cleaning in the first place.

My Sandee is coming to see me!

I mean, so is the woman who gave birth to me, (Hi Mom) but that’s not who I am writing about today. Although, I do want to give the parental unit a quick “shout out”  to say  “Thank You” from the bottom of my heart because she is driving herself and Sandee out to see me. So if I may take a second, Mom, thank you for coming to see me and thank you for bringing along one of the sweetest people on the planet!

Now, back to my dear little sister and best friend, Sandee. I met Miss Sandee, or PeeWee, as she was known then, when we were both residents at an in-patient rehabilitation center. I was in there because I’d had a massive stroke, and she was in there after being diagnosed with MS. The left side of my body was paralyzed and she couldn’t walk and could hardly stand on her own because her legs were so weak and hurt her so bad.


We were both painfully shy. I was bashful because I was only 26 years old when I had the CVA (CerebroVascular Accident, aka Stroke), I was in what felt like a nursing home with people aged 70 and up. I was, by several decades, the youngest person in there, yet I couldn’t cut my own food, stand, or walk. I couldn’t remember anything for more than about five seconds and I told the same stories over and over. I was wounded and too ashamed at my newfound circumstances to function. All of that swirled together and resulted in my self- imposed isolation. I hid away in my room unless forced to come out for therapy. I had all my meals in my room on my bed and had no intention of doing anything else. I would sit and draw and eat all alone everyday. I was miserable and I saw no end in sight. Little did I know someone was looking out for me.

One day, during lunch, one of my favorite nurses walked into my room, sat on the edge of my bed and watched me draw for a little while. She smiled and said I was very good. She followed that much appreciated compliment by letting me know about another patient and artist on the same floor. A lady who was a bit older than me was there, and she was  taking meals alone as well.. This “other lady” would stay by herself and draw as well. The nurse said this  person was sweet and the nurse was confident that I’d really like her. There wasn’t much else to do at the time, so I figured I’d humor the well-meaning nurse, go say “hi”, and continue on with my existence, for whatever that was worth. Well, as they say, the rest is is history. This is when I met my much beloved PeeWee and we have been sisters ever since.

When I entered her room, I saw a petite little doll of a woman. She was so delicate and dainty especially compared to my larger and taller physique. She had long braid after braid expertly done on her elf- sized head that hung in masses down her back. She had kind, light eyes that squinted up into little slits when she laughed. Her slender mouth opened into a frank smile that was equal parts genuine and welcoming. She was older than me, but you’d never know to see her. Her dark complexion was as smooth as any 20 year old you’d want to put her against. Her hands were small and graceful and her calves were covered in leg warmers, which I would come to know as her signature look. These leg warmers served the dual purpose of looking fashionably cute, and they also kept her little legs warm. But best of all, this woman was charming, inviting, and preciously, vulnerably open. I at once wanted to hang out with her, protect her, and make her laugh just one more time.

And God, have we laughed! Before leaving rehab, she managed to fall into and get stuck in a toilet because her little tush was too small for the seat. We still laugh about that to this day. Each time we bring it up, we laugh until it makes our ribs hurt, especially when she mimics her position in that porcelain bowl: legs up in the air, ass stuck in the cold water and feet and hands waving around, haahaa!! We laugh over the time my abdominal muscles gave out and I ended up helplessly sliding down the glass sneeze shield at Subway. We laugh at our triumphs as well as our dismal failures and funny mistakes. We can commiserate over walking into a room and having no idea why we are even there or even who’s house we are in. We get a kick out of falling over thin air, choking on nothing and coughing so hard we pee. Some of this is age related and some of it is medical. But all of it is US - and OUR  unique brand of humor. For years we have kept each other going with our giggle-fest phone calls.

So, yeah, Sandee coming is kinda a big deal to me. I can’t wait to sit up all night with her talking about nothing and everything all at once. We can drink a little, laugh a lot, and gossip and then gab the night away. I’m so grateful for this woman. She means the world to me. Love you, Sis!

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Dehydrated Water, Isle 5

If you know me, then you know that I got a bread machine for Christmas (Thank you Richy), and that means that you also know that I adore this gift. I have used it about twice a week since I got it, and I just love it. There is nothing quite like the smell of baking bread permeating through the house. It makes everything feel warm and cozy and the scent is downright intoxicating. In fact, I’ve used it so much that I ran out of yeast.Besides the lack of yeast I needed some other ingredients, so I had to make a trip to Wal-Mart. And that’s where today’s blog comes from. Oh. Dear. Lord.

This is not a rant about Wal-Mart, though that would be easy enough to do. No, this is a conversation I had with an adorable employee that was maybe sixteen years old and clearly used to life being a bit sarcastic to him.

I parked on the Marketside side of the mega-ginormous Superstore and noted my parking row (it was row 8 for those of you who are taking notes) and made my way to one of the four sliding glass entryways. I knew I needed only three things, the aforementioned yeast, powdered nonfat dry milk for yet another bread recipe, and wheat flour for, you guessed it, a wheat bread recipe. All I wanted to do was head to whatever isle powdered milk was on, and then move on to the baking isle then go. I did not want to get stuck in Wal-Mart at 5:00 on a Friday afternoon. I hurried through the doors, grabbed a cart in the breezeway, and headed inside. Just inside the doorway, stood an employee in the standard blue shirt and khaki pants. I was thrilled, as this meant I didn’t have to waste my precious time hunting for dry milk, I could just get directions. How fortuitous!

As I approached the employee, I took in his appearance and at once felt a little bit motherly toward him. He was, at a guess, somewhere between 16 and 18 years old, but he looked about 14 because he clearly wasn’t growing facial hair yet. He had a head full of tight reddish-blonde curls and his skin was that pale creamy color that gets super red if  given any reason whatsoever to flush. He had a cheerful face that reminded me a little of Tom Holland and he appeared to be having a pleasant conversation with whoever he was talking to in the deli. I immediately made up my mind to approach him with my question. I didn’t much like to interrupt his conversation, but at that moment, I was older, I was The Customer, and I was In A Hurry, so I decided I was also Entitled. In a sweet yet effective manner I cut off whatever was being said between him and Deli Guy. Sorry.

I asked him, “Excuse me sir, but do you work here?” He confirmed that yes, he did work there. I’m assuming he left out “Nope, just wear the outfit because I think it’s cool” because he was too nice to say anything. Anyway, I said something profound like “Great!” and continued with my query, “Can you please tell me where I can find the powdered milk”? At once I knew something was wrong because this kid who had been sweet and smiling up to this exact point was now looking like I had asked him what the average airspeed velocity of a laden swallow was. He just blinked a couple of times and then kind of laughed a little and he blushed from his neck to his hairline. Seeing his brain begin to crumple in the confusion, I broke the silence with a laugh of my own. I said “Okay, thanks anyway” and started to move on. He finally found his voice again and asked me “Powdered Milk”? I had to laugh a little. My only thought was, Okay, I can see this kid did not grow up eating government cheese. He doesn’t even know what powdered milk is. But folks, it was so much worse than that.

Oh, this poor kid. He looked and I could see something was dawning on him. He grinned a big grin as a twinkle glimmered in his eye. He laughed a little more and looked at me ever so suspiciously and (swear to god) said “Wait, ‘powdered milk’ is that like ‘blinker fluid’?” Y’all this poor kid thought I was punking him. I laughed so hard! He had made up his mind that I was sending him on some kind of snipe hunt!

I at once remembered when I was in high school, I worked at Kroger and we used to ask the new hires to go grab us a box of dehydrated water. It was on isle 5. Those poor people would spend forever over there looking for dehydrated water. One unfortunate guy spent nearly two hours looking for it when one of us realized how long he’d been gone and sent someone looking for him. He had been so afraid of letting us down that he had spent all that time looking for it and was upset at his failure when we found him. Yes, we were terrible people, no, no one ever did it to me for whatever reason, which is no doubt why I participated in such a mean prank. That and I was fifteen.  

So, to whoever hurt this young man, please lay off him for all that’s good and holy! He was just the sweetest, cutest little thing you’d ever want to see, but bless his heart, I think he may have been the recipient of one too many pranks. I feel like I should go check on him every now and then. And just to keep him on his toes, next time I’m going to ask him to point me in the direction of the wild haggis.

Friday, January 25, 2019

The Best Day Ever

According to my dog, Peanut Butter, a.k.a The Best Boy Ever, a.k.a. Little Butters, today is the Best Day Ever. Here’s what happened: The Best Day Ever started out with last night being The Best Night Ever. Little Butters got to sleep with mommy and daddy last night in the big bed. This is a Big Deal, in the world of a small dog, and he luxuriates in it whenever he gets the chance. No one enjoys a bed like this particular puppy. First he lays flat out in a perfect sploot, just taking in the comfort of the thick quilts and poofy pillows. Then as he sinks down into the cloud of fluff, and his eyes surrender to slits of perfect happiness, his nose begins to wiggle in anticipation of the burrowing that will come next. At last, his little puppy legs will scooch him forward to the head of the bed where he disappears underneath the covers. He loves nothing better than to burrow under every inch of blanket he can find. From the head of the bed to the foot, from side to side and back and forth, Little Butters makes tunnel after tunnel before suddenly reappearing, hair askew and full of static as he sticks only his nose out between the pillows and smiles his goofy smile. Then, with his paws extended and head between them he got to sleep All Night Long between mommy and daddy. It really was the Best Night Ever. But then morning came! It was the Best Day Ever! Peanut Butter got to wake daddy up by licking him right in the mouth, it was the best! And at 6:30 in the morning, daddy’s mouth had never smelled more interesting! Yep, it was the best smell ever, so Peanut Butter just stuck his tongue right down daddy’s open mouth. Daddy seemed awfully startled, but to The Butters, it was like a champagne and caviar breakfast! For some reason, mommy laughed and laughed at this. Butters didn’t know how he made mommy laugh, he just liked the sound, so he wagged his tail and jumped out of bed. This was going to be the Best Day Ever! No Way. Is it really breakfast time? Ohmigosh it really is! Peanut Butter has only had 2,554 breakfasts in his life, so the idea that he is really getting breakfast this morning really blows his mind. You can tell he managed to wrap his head around it though after carefully observing his meal time ritual. I scoop out his measurement of mail order, gourmet food, pour his tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil onto it, mix it in, and shake the treat bag over the bowl, so he believes there are treats in his food. Note: he will not eat without this song and dance. Oh wow! Breakfast AND treats? THIS is the Best Day Ever! After breakfast, it’s time to go outside. OUTSIDE! Oh. My. God! We are going outside?! We have only gone outside at the very least five times a day for seven years. Despite the fact that he has been outside approximately 12,775 times, he still acts like a lifetime shelter dog getting to see the outdoors for the first time. No one has ever been this excited about the outdoors and no one ever will be. All I have to say is “Peanut Butter, do you want to go… OUTSIDE?” Oh my god, does he ever! His ears perk up, his little toes begin to tap and he dances on the floor in desperate anticipation of new smells and neighbor dogs to bark ferociously at. And boy, does he smell everything! There are cats to smell, and recycle bins to smell, and gloriously dirty trash bins to smell! Best of all there are things to pee on! He gets to pee on car tires and bushes and garden walls and trees and fire hydrants and endless miles of curbs! Outside is just the best and a huge part of his Best Day Ever. Finally, after all the things are peed on and all the smells are smelled, it’s time for Peanut Butter to come back inside. What does that mean for Little Butters? I’ll tell you what that means; it means a treat for using the bathroom! Yes! It’s treat time! Treats are the Best Thing Ever and he gets one every time he uses the potty or does something clever or looks semi-cute or does something endearing. So, pretty much, he’s surprised anytime he gets one, and has no idea he’s ever had one before. Treats are awesome, and this is DEFINITELY The Best Day Ever! So after a long hard day of eating, peeing, sniffing and tail wagging, it’s time to nap with Mr. Quackers, his stuffed duck and sleeping buddy. Naps are an integral part of Peanut Butter’s day in order to keep up with his hectic schedule. After all, who can have a Best Day Ever without a full 8 hours of sleep at night and 15 hours of sleep during the day? Not this overworked puppy. Tonight we will once again blow his mind by giving him his 2,555th dinner and he will be as excited about it as he was about breakfast. Later, we will take him for his 12,776th walk and he will sniff everything he can reach and pee on anything he can chase down. He will bark at all the dogs and chase all the cats. He will be so proud of himself and will earn the treat he will get once he goes inside. And why will he do all of this? Because today was The Best Day Ever.

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Holiday Blues

Can we talk about the crash after the holidays? It’s so depressing. There’s the long build up to Christmas and then in one day the gifts are opened, the family is seen, and the food is eaten and put away. Then suddenly the loved ones have gone back home, the bad gifts are buried in the backyard and the even the leftovers have vanished from the fridge. Nothing is left to do but to plummet into a wet, cold depression. I, for example, have spent the month drinking because my daughter went back home, five hours away from me, and I am refusing to cope in a healthy manner. I think I miss my children more than anything. My son lives about half an hour from me, and I get to see him pretty often. But every year, my daughter leaves and I sink into a long depression involving crying during Queer Eye binges and overeating. 

I’m not sure who started the winter holidays, but I get why they did it. And no, I’m not interested in the Reason for the Season PR. I mean, someone came up with the thought “let’s do something celebratory in the middle of winter to break up the monotony”. I can appreciate that. I really can. I just wish I could make it last until the birds start to sing and the redbud trees bloom. Can you imagine if we had to go from November until Easter or spring with nothing to bring some kind of color, joy or fun to us? I am just so glad that along the way, somebody said, “let’s throw in a couple of celebrations. We can celebrate a new year, and what else? Oh! Let’s have another celebration, we’ll call it Christmas.” That was just a damn good idea!

One thing I am doing to occupy my time during this soggy, cold season is making bread. Technically, I am cheating; I’m making it in my new bread machine that Richy gave me for Christmas. I get so happy using it! I love adding the ingredients and watching it do it’s thing while mixing. For whatever reason, they didn’t add a light to the inside, so I keep a little flashlight by it so I can peek into it and watch the dough. Oh, and the smell is gorgeous!  As it rises and cooks the loaf, the scent of freshly baked bread permeates through the house and it feels like a Panera Bread has opened up in my kitchen. This new hobby of mine has made me very joyous and content in many ways, however, it hasn’t exactly curbed the overeating. No, I have to say having warm, freshly baked bread at my fingertips every day of the world has certainly not done anything to slow my eating down. Not that I’m complaining.

Fortunately, with the help of friends, fresh bread, and the best boyfriend in the world, I am getting past my After Christmas Blues. I am lucky to have such good people in my life and lucky to live in a world where for a little while in the winter we find a reason to celebrate and be nice to each other. I’m thankful for so much and while the crash after the holidays can be a bit of a drag, it’s helpful to know that other people might be feeling the same way. Try to reach out. Try to check on each other. And if you find something that brings you joy, then do it as often as you can. As for me, I’ll be eating bread.