I have slipped a disc in my back. And in related news, I have made some firm resolutions regarding my underpants.
Saturday I woke up in an noticeably unusual amount of pain. At first I didn’t know what I had done, I just had this awful burning sensation in my back and my feet were so tingly they actually hurt. I couldn’t sit, stand, lay, move, anything. Even sneezing or coughing hurt.
I talked it through with a few people and they all agreed that it sounded like a herniated disc, but this didn’t constitute an emergency, therefore I had to wait until monday to call my doctor. When Monday morning finally came around, I called the doctor and they said they could see me that day. Wonderful! I needed to go ahead and get ready though, because I only had about two hours to shower, get ready and get to the doctor’s office.
I hurried through my shower, dried off, and put clean clothes and clean underwear on. I dried my hair and finally was able to gimp out my front door. I drove to the office, arrived ten minutes early, and was promptly called back for my appointment. Things were going well. Even though I was in a lot of pain, the nurses were walking slowly with me and everyone was being nice and prompt.
The doctor agreed with my medical diagnosis (namely, This Sucks) and ordered a series of x-rays to rule out any fractures. Given my history of brittle bones, this is always a good idea. I had assumed they would be taking x-rays anyway, so when I dressed after my shower, I put on leggings and a pullover shirt with no buttons or metal. Even my bra had a plastic underwire. I dislike undressing in those cold x-ray rooms, so I made sure there was nothing I would have to take off when I got there.
The guy who did the imaging was super nice. He was helpful when I went to try to lay on that cold, metal table and was patient with me since I was moving so slowly. He finally got me adjusted where he wanted me and took several pictures.
When he finished, he told me to relax while he checked the film to make sure they came out okay. That was fine. I tried to lay comfortably on the table and he disappeared somewhere into a little room. Then, he came back out.
He had a concerned look on his face and asked me “Do you have any snaps or buttons on your pants?” No, I didn’t. He asked me if I’d had a couple of different surgeries. Again, I told him no. He just looked more confused and finally asked “Well, did you maybe have a hysterectomy?” Yes! I had.
This only made him seem a little more concerned. Then he starts stuttering about some kind of abnormality on my x-rays. Well, at this point, I rub my hands over my pants just to make double sure these pants weren’t like jeggings, where they put the rivets in them like they do jeans. I rubbed my hand around my waist and the pants were in fact very smooth… that is, until my hand ran across my butt.
My underwear. Oh no! My underwear was bedazzled with rhinestones across the butt that read “bebe”. I burst out laughing and told him I actually didn’t have any abnormalities in my x-rays, and he wasn’t losing his mind. It was my fault; me and my big beautiful, bedazzled bebe butt!
The poor guy was visibly relieved and finally laughed too. I don’t know what news he thought he was going to have to break to me, but he was seemed thoroughly relieved when it turned out to be just a mild case of rhinestones.
So, I’m really sorry, x-ray guy. I hope your day was less traumatic or you found some vicodin.
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Turning Wine into Water
Well guys, I’ve started a diet.
It’s never a good idea to admit to being on a diet because that’s a sure way to fail. I don’t know why, but putting the word “Diet” out in the universe seems to make all the hard work come crashing down. So, the only reason I’m admitting to this is because I already screwed up, so why not.
I started this whole cruel and unusual behavior on February seventeenth and so far, it has been paying off. I downloaded three free apps to track different aspects of my day and life. I don’t take a bite of food without scanning it, logging it and thinking long and hard about what I’m doing and the life choices I’m making. I even keep my phone attached to me somewhere so that it can count how many steps I manage to take everyday before I collapse from hunger. I count everything… I mean except basic drinks. Like, I drink tea in the morning sweetened with artificial sweetener, which has no calories, and then I drink water. Even if I drink a diet soda, it doesn’t have calories either, and that’s really all I drink. I mean, that’s all except wine. But wine doesn’t count. It’s like water, right?
It turns out water and wine are in fact not the same thing. Oddly enough, the plateau in my weightloss seemed to be coinciding with my wine drinking. So, the other night, just for funsies, I scanned the wine bottle I was drinking into my calorie counter app. As it turns out, my particular bottle of wine actually contained 647 calories per bottle of wine (who drinks a serving anyway?). Well, I was shocked! Mostly, I was regretting the fact that I was on my second bottle of wine. So, 647 times two bottles of wine equals, about 1250 calories. Oh. So, like a day’s worth of calories, and I just drank it. All of it. Both bottles. Keep in mind, I am allotted 1,764 calories per day right now, and I drank all but 500 calories of it. Well damn.
Granted, at the time, I felt far too good to care, but the next day, sober me saw my calorie counter and realized something is going to have to change. I’m going to have to really make some changes in my life and get my priorities straight. I’m going to have to stop eating something.
I don’t mind really. I mean, I can live on yogurt and wine. No, I’ll do cheese, wine, and fruit. I’ll live on a diet of a Grecian goddess. I’ll just have to cut out you know, things that help sustain life, but I’ll still have wine - no, wait, instead of fruit (I’ll have fruit because of wine), I’ll eat fish, wine and cheese. Perfect! I’ll eat like a medieval princess. They lived long, full lives. Very healthy group of people.
Good plan.
It’s never a good idea to admit to being on a diet because that’s a sure way to fail. I don’t know why, but putting the word “Diet” out in the universe seems to make all the hard work come crashing down. So, the only reason I’m admitting to this is because I already screwed up, so why not.
I started this whole cruel and unusual behavior on February seventeenth and so far, it has been paying off. I downloaded three free apps to track different aspects of my day and life. I don’t take a bite of food without scanning it, logging it and thinking long and hard about what I’m doing and the life choices I’m making. I even keep my phone attached to me somewhere so that it can count how many steps I manage to take everyday before I collapse from hunger. I count everything… I mean except basic drinks. Like, I drink tea in the morning sweetened with artificial sweetener, which has no calories, and then I drink water. Even if I drink a diet soda, it doesn’t have calories either, and that’s really all I drink. I mean, that’s all except wine. But wine doesn’t count. It’s like water, right?
It turns out water and wine are in fact not the same thing. Oddly enough, the plateau in my weightloss seemed to be coinciding with my wine drinking. So, the other night, just for funsies, I scanned the wine bottle I was drinking into my calorie counter app. As it turns out, my particular bottle of wine actually contained 647 calories per bottle of wine (who drinks a serving anyway?). Well, I was shocked! Mostly, I was regretting the fact that I was on my second bottle of wine. So, 647 times two bottles of wine equals, about 1250 calories. Oh. So, like a day’s worth of calories, and I just drank it. All of it. Both bottles. Keep in mind, I am allotted 1,764 calories per day right now, and I drank all but 500 calories of it. Well damn.
Granted, at the time, I felt far too good to care, but the next day, sober me saw my calorie counter and realized something is going to have to change. I’m going to have to really make some changes in my life and get my priorities straight. I’m going to have to stop eating something.
I don’t mind really. I mean, I can live on yogurt and wine. No, I’ll do cheese, wine, and fruit. I’ll live on a diet of a Grecian goddess. I’ll just have to cut out you know, things that help sustain life, but I’ll still have wine - no, wait, instead of fruit (I’ll have fruit because of wine), I’ll eat fish, wine and cheese. Perfect! I’ll eat like a medieval princess. They lived long, full lives. Very healthy group of people.
Good plan.
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