Turning Wine into Water

Well guys, I’ve started a diet.

It’s never a good idea to admit to being on a diet because that’s a sure way to fail. I don’t know why, but putting the word “Diet” out in the universe seems to make all the hard work come crashing down. So, the only reason I’m admitting to this is because I already screwed up, so why not.

I started this whole cruel and unusual behavior on February seventeenth and so far, it has been paying off. I downloaded three free apps to track different aspects of my day and life. I don’t take a bite of food without scanning it, logging it and thinking long and hard about what I’m doing and the life choices I’m making. I even keep my phone attached to me somewhere so that it can count how many steps I manage to take everyday before I collapse from hunger. I count everything… I mean except basic drinks. Like, I drink tea in the morning sweetened with artificial sweetener, which has no calories, and then I drink water. Even if I drink a diet soda, it doesn’t have calories either, and that’s really all I drink. I mean, that’s all except wine. But wine doesn’t count. It’s like water, right?

It turns out water and wine are in fact not the same thing. Oddly enough, the plateau in my weightloss seemed to be coinciding with my wine drinking. So, the other night, just for funsies, I scanned the wine bottle I was drinking into my calorie counter app. As it turns out, my particular bottle of wine actually contained 647 calories per bottle of wine (who drinks a serving anyway?). Well, I was shocked! Mostly, I was regretting the fact that I was on my second bottle of wine. So, 647 times two bottles of wine equals, about 1250 calories. Oh. So, like a day’s worth of calories, and I just drank it. All of it. Both bottles. Keep in mind, I am allotted 1,764 calories per day right now, and I drank all but 500 calories of it. Well damn.

Granted, at the time, I felt far too good to care, but the next day, sober me saw my calorie counter and realized something is going to have to change. I’m going to have to really make some changes in my life and get my priorities straight. I’m going to have to stop eating something.

I don’t mind really. I mean, I can live on yogurt and wine. No, I’ll do cheese, wine, and fruit. I’ll live on a diet of a Grecian goddess. I’ll just have to cut out you know, things that help sustain life, but I’ll still have wine - no, wait, instead of fruit (I’ll have fruit because of wine), I’ll eat fish, wine and cheese. Perfect! I’ll eat like a medieval princess. They lived long, full lives. Very healthy group of people.

Good plan.