Monday, February 3, 2014

My New Year Cometh

I have started my new year off in February. I know this breaks some cosmic rule that all resolutions must begin January first; mine simply couldn't. Also, it makes me look better. Those of you that are already backsliding in your vows to be better, healthier, more productive people can look at me in February and think “Wow, she's really sticking with it”!
I have spent the last few days signing up for NaBloPoMo, getting my finances in order, resolving to finish my book, figuring out an exercise plan and I went to the grocery store last night and stocked up on several days worth of organic produce swearing to myself that “if it doesn't grow, I'm not eating it”. I am trying to avoid processed foods and I have the best intentions in the world right now. I am already aware that there will come a certain time each month when I will want to consume tater tots and suck Hershey's syrup straight from the bottle, I have a plan for that.
There are a few exceptions to my rules on nutrition. Diet Coke is the first exception to all the rules. I am trying to limit my intake to two cans of Diet Coke per day, but I will never kid myself into thinking I can just set it aside. I don't drink coffee because for me it tastes like something people have washed socks in. I love iced tea, but there is never any left first thing in the morning. I don't know why this is, but it is an inevitable fact that I can go to bed with a pitcher of sweet iced tea waiting for me in the fridge and by the time I get to it in the morning, it is sitting empty – still in the fridge, mind you – and I have to make a fresh pot before I can wake up. This is disastrous as making tea involves using the stove and and some level of awareness. I cannot do this without caffeine. There is no caffeine. You see the problem. So, Diet Coke stays.
I also must eat processed chocolate squares. These come in the form of Ghirardelli 72% dark chocolate squares. Technically I am within the bounds of things that grow. After all, chocolate does come from a bean, I just like my bean to be mixed with sugar and have been handled by Swiss chocolatiers before I get hold of it.
As I said, I have a plan for each month that mother nature lets me know I am not pregnant. I will devour everything in sight. No. Bad plan. I have found that salted, toasted pumpkin seeds can almost satisfy me like a potato chip. They are quite salty enough and they crunch very well. If I'm desperate for grease I suppose I can dip them in olive oil before I eat them. Maybe not. I always crave Sonic tater tots during this time. Oh dear buds of greasy, potato-ey goodness, fried golden and served warm and comforting. I have a plan for these too. They simply don't count. That's right; for one week per month, these are a free food. They have no calories and they are counted as good for me. That's the plan.
I am already working to make this blog post show up sometime before midnight tonight, and so far I'm halfway there. I a little concerned about my computer's willingness to participate in this though. My internet thingy, you know the little symbol of lines in the bottom right corner of your screen that stays lit up to tell you it is connected to the internet? Well, that thingy continues to flip flop between being lit up and being unlit with a big red X through it. Last night when I was online my screen would get all choppy and parts of it would turn black, a bit like when you are trying to watch satellite TV in a bad thunderstorm. I'm not sure what is going on with this, and since I am one of those bizarre people who kill electronics, I dare not go check on the internet box thing. Not that I would have a clue what to check anyway, but I would feel more productive if I could go “take a look”.
So even though my new years resolutions are beginning in February, I feel pretty good about them. I feel a sort of conquering attitude emanating from me and can see success in my future. I already see myself thirty-five pounds thinner with glowing healthy skin and a national best-selling novel moving off of shelves faster than they can print them. I also see Johnny Depp and Shemar Moore wrestling naked in the mud over who gets to marry me. No one ever accused me of having perfect vision.
Until tomorrow!

Don't forget that Ancient Egyptian tombs are decorated with pictures of watermelons.