Friday, January 19, 2018

Go Wash Your Mouth Out

***TRIGGER WARNING: Naughty language***

So, I've had far too much to drink tonight, and by far too much, I mean three shots of rum mixed into diet Coke. I am a cheap drunk.I have decided to write tonight’s post because I am just curious what will come out of my head. I'd like to think that tomorrow I will read this tomorrow and be amused, but I'm pretty sure I'll just feel like “What the hell?” Nevertheless, in the interest of science, I am conducting this experiment. I will have my editor, more commonly known as my boyfriend, only edit my spelling for basic grammar and ease of reading. Everything else will be organically grown from rum and random neural firings.

The first thing that comes to mind is the conversation that my best friend and i had today about how we address each other. Most friends address each other in friendly terms such as sweetheart, honey, sister, beautiful lady, babe, darling, etc…
This is not the case with my best friend of 27 years. No, this is not the case at all. Here is a list of our most recent terms of endearment in no particular order. These words have been addressed to both of us by both of us:
  • Free-base slut
  • Hooker
  • Lint licker
  • Hoe
  • Cuntsneeze
  • Twat waffle
  • Heifer
  • My favorite moldy clit
  • Trash
  • Punk ass hoe
  • Rotten crotch
These loving words are usually followed up by a sentence of love and encouragement, such as:
  • I love you and your whore mouth.
  • I like it when you call me daddy.
  • I made it home, Trash.
  • You are my favorite douche canoe.
  • Happy new year, slut!
  • I'll be your bubbly twat.
  • Hey hooker, I love you more than cake!
  • I will smack that ass if you open your slut mouth again. I’m warming up the pimp hand.
These sophisticated and adult conversations were taken directly from texts on my phone. I think these healthy expressions of admiration and love are what we should all strive for; goals we can all attain if we try hard enough. I’m hoping to encourage this kind of friendly banter in everyday life. For instance, your boss storms into your office demanding the WENIS (Friends reference for 10 bonus points) and you don't have it ready yet. You look your boss right in the eye and say “Listen here douche canoe, you'll have it when it smacks you in your sweet ass”. Your boss laughs. You laugh. Security laughs as they escort you out. It's a good time had by all involved. Or perhaps you are at a local trendy coffee shop and they get your 14 step coffee order wrong. You take the hipster barista by the hand and say “My pimp hand is all warmed up. Don't make me use it on your hooker face, Trash”. Barista giggles, you burst into laughter, everyone agrees you are their favorite customer.
I see this trend going places.

So, at this point, I’m more shots in, but I don't know how many, as I am not the one making my drinks, my editing department, more commonly known as Richy, is. I'd like to say I can still hold my drink like I could at twenty-something, but I don't think I can anymore. Still, I managed to write this blog post, so that's something and something is better than nothing.

Thank you for reading this trashy post and I hope you enjoyed it, you dirty pirate hooker!

Fun fact: Lady Ching Shih, once a prostitute became one of the most powerful pirates ever, commanding one of the most formidable pirate fleets in China with hundreds of ships under her command.
Awesome dirty pirate hooker!