Thursday, December 19, 2013

Skills of the Samuri


I scare far too easily and I have recently found out I also have the worst survival skills on the planet. Ostriches bury their head in the sand and laugh at me. I wish I were making this up.

I was getting dressed and fresh after my shower on Saturday, because it was time for my bi-annual shower and I stood in the bathroom brushing my teeth. I have one of those little $8.00 drugstore battery operated toothbrushes because I think they really do get my teeth cleaner than an ordinary one and also because I can't imagine myself ever spending $200 on the really, super nice ones. So, I'm counting to sixty, three times, in my head and my little brush is just spinning and vibrating away and I'm drifting in and out of Unicorn Meadow and I stroll over to the doorway of the bathroom. Suddenly a wild human appears! It isn't one of my humans and without realizing it is just my son's friend, I freak out. In response to the scare I received I jabbed my toothbrush down my throat. That's right! I got scared, jabbed an electronic toothbrush into my tonsils and nearly fell into the bathtub. What the hell kind of reaction is that? “No, don't bother killing me Mr. Burglar, I've got that under control; you just go take some stuff”.

While I'm trying to unwrap my uvula from around my spinning toothbrush, my son, I assume is trying to convince his friend that I have just returned from a spiritual retreat and that's how we were taught to greet each other in a show of faith. (Uvula is not a dirty word, I looked it up, hoping it would be). I have no idea what his friend thought of me, as he went to my son's room, and I promptly left for Rockband night, bronchitis and her filthy lungs be damned. (After all, what's a 104 degree fever when you get to pretend you're Amy Lee all night!)
As further testament to my coping skills in a frightening situation, here is another true story that happened Friday night. My husband or partner or boyfriend, whatever he is, and I were laying in bed and I had turned my Kindle Fire onto IheartRadio. (I should get paid for these plugs). Anyway, I had put a request for stations like Usher and it played the song I got the ticket for in Sonically Screwed, so yes, the DJ had me falling in love again. It played some people I'd never heard of and one song about “I do it for the bitches and the drinks”, which I thought was poor motivation, so I disliked the song and skipped to the next. Anyway, after a while, my Kindle decided it was tired of that type of music, and I had to agree, so while it was buffering I backed out and pulled up my spot in David Copperfield. I had been reading for quite some time, all snuggled up next to Dan and suddenly my Kindle goes (quote) “AH”. I looked at it and looked at Dan and went “AH?” Then my Kindle went up a few octaves and yelled “AAAHHHH!” I promptly dropped the demon possessed Kindle on the bed and screamed back at it “AAAAHHHHH!”. Then a beat started. It turns out there is a song called – get ready – AH, by some guy. I frantically pushed random images on the screen until I found the Iheart button and lo and behold the stupid thing had quit buffering and was now playing a song that was screaming at me. I just assumed that when you backed out of the radio part, it went away. It never occurred to me that the radio would keep playing while you did other stuff on the tablet. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we all know what assuming does to “u and I”. It makes an ass out of us. I promise you I felt like a total ass yelling at my Kindle and dropping it to fend for itself while I climbed over Dan and tried to escape out of the window, but I hate it when my machines start talking to me when I don't tell them to. I did figure out how to turn the radio off for realsies, while Dan laughed at me over nothing that I could find to be remotely funny. If I'd had a nearby toothbrush, I'm sure I would have shoved it down my throat in response to the terror I felt.

For those of you awaiting the zombie apocalypse, I do not recommend asking me to be your second, or even your janitor. I have stocked up on toothbrushes in case of a true emergency and if you ever find me lying on the ground with a thick toothbrush sticking out of my mouth, vibrating peacefully, you should run like hell. Similarly, if I look at you and dash off for no apparent reason, especially if I escape out of a window, know that I have just left you to fend for yourself against the un-dead. I might shout before I do this, but I can't guarantee that I will. If I shove a toothbrush down my throat and then escape out of a window, you need to evacuate the building with all available guns and ammunition. Don't worry about me, I'll strangle to death and slow the zombies down for you.