Sunday, December 31, 2017

Auld Lang Syne or The Ugly Cry

It’s time to bid adieu to 2017. Looking back, it's been a year of change for me. I suppose if I had to sum up the year in one word, “Change” would be it. Most of it has been for the best and led to a lot of happiness. Some of it,however, was out of my hands and I simply had to learn to adapt. No matter what it was though, it has led me to growth and I’m thankful to have had that opportunity.

The first and most impactful change came at the very beginning of the year, January 23rd. That was when I Ieft my home in Virginia and moved back to Tennessee.  I didn't just leave my home, I left my son in Virginia - that broke this mama's heart! It didn't matter that he's an adult with his own apartment, I was still leaving my baby. I don’t care that he is a 6`5” sasquatch, he’s still my baby. I was leaving him all alone even though he has his grandmother and all of his friends and his job, to fend for himself - though he makes more money than I do - in a cold, cruel, foreign place  (he's lived in nearly all his life). Honestly, I really didn't handle that well at all; okay, Im still not handling it well, but it’s better. I think I did okay hugging him goodbye and locking the apartment door one last time. I did just fine outside on the lawn hugging him and giving him a kiss on the cheek and telling him goodbye again.  But honey, once I got in that moving truck I  watched in the rearview mirror as he got in his car. He was going to go to his new apartment while I would be going 4 hours away, it might as well have been 4000 hours away--this mama Lost. Her. Mind!

And now, The Ugly Cry.

The Ugly Cry. Quite suddenly your breath catches in your throat and you gasp as all the air in your lungs comes surging out of your body and that knot forms in your stomach like someone has just hit you. And you suddenly make this… sound.  It isn't crying, not yet, its that sound that Emma Thompson’s character, Elinor Dashwood, makes in Sense and Sensibility during the scene in which she discovers Edward is in fact, not married. It's a guttural moan, this emotional vapor- lock, and then the water works start. Your eyes immediately pour out more tears than you thought possible, like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon where the character’s eyes just turn into a water fountain. Your nose starts to leak, your face turns red, your eyes swell up, and your nostrils become so clogged that you just have to adapt to mouth-breathing for a while or give up oxygen entirely.  You finally inhale enough air to fill your lungs back up only to have it rush out again in another unholy sob.  This is not a dainty cry.  This is not a delicate moment. This is the Ugly Cry!

That is what happened when I saw my son drive off. Richy tried his best not to look startled and never once said out loud that he was pretty sure I had just lost my damn mind. It had to have been funny; I think it's funny now, but yeah, I was a wreck that day.

Another change that has made this year really wonderful is being able to live near my brother and his family.  Since neither my brother nor I managed to kill the other as children we have grown up and decided to get along just to spite our mother. I love having him close because that also means I get to see my nephew Gabe, and my nieces, Delia, Paisley, and Hensley.  I get to babysit the youngest of the girls pretty often which makes me remember things like birth control, but still, its all so much fun! Those kids have my heart and I know they know it.  

Adding to the list of changes, my Comcast bill went from $56 to $99 in less than a year. Really. From the end of January after the above mentioned move, when I had it installed, to December, (now), less than twelve months later it has increased over $40. There is no non-dish competition for them in my location, so god bless them, they saw a golden opportunity and bent us right over.  We have now cancelled our service and are sticking it to the man by splitting service with a neighbor.  Personally, I think neighbors should all do this.  Fit as many people as you can onto one modem and everyone splits the bill. I also like to believe racism doesn’t exist and unicorns are real. Let me live in my fantasy world.

No matter what changes this year has brought about, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am very grateful for the direction my life is headed in and for the people that surround me and participate in my world. I have so much love in my life that it would be selfish of me to complain of anything that happened this year, and that is the truth. Nothing was so bad that I couldn't make it through without Richy, or my parents, or my friends!

So, here's to you 2017! Thank you for giving me such love and heart. Thank you for letting the world know that #MeToo proved we were not alone. Thank you for a voice. Thank you for friends who never judge and love me no matter what. Thank you for weird art and the beginnings of self confidence. Thank you for teaching me lessons. Thank you for finding me.