Launching the Meat Missile

Trigger Warning: Almost Dirty Words and Euphemisms for Your Junk Writing erotica is a funny business. As I mentioned in an previous post, I am taking on a writing project with a friend. My first project ended up being an erotic story. Now, this isn’t completely new to me, I have tried my hand at it before and I did a decent job. Those were just short stories and I popped them out in quick order. However, this particular smut has turned into an entire series in my head. I have diary entries from one character, a storyline going, and another character will soon start a journal of his own. I am basically writing the same story from three different viewpoints. I am a glutton for punishment. Now, when talking about body parts in these kinds of stories, especially when discussing someone’s privates, it helps to be creative. It also helps if you have been exposed to a lot of euphemisms for the naughty bits. The good news is that I HAVE been privy to this kind of terminology as an editor. The bad news is, the two people that I edit for the most write male/male erotic fiction; and I am writing a female/female storyline. In other words, I have 48 synonyms for a weiner, but when it comes to the lady parts, I’m at a loss. The friend that I started this project with was kind enough to lend me a hand. She got on Facebook and asked this question: “Me and my gal pal are trying to write some sweet girl on girl action and we need some other names for breasts and vaginas.” Well, ask and the internet shall deliver, right? Well, somewhat; here are some of the answers, spelled exactly the way we got them: tits, bewbs, chest pillows, and globes. Also, netherlips, petals, lotus, folds, sheath, and velvet glove. Most of what we got though, is a bunch of other writers wanting an update if we found anything that didn’t make what we were writing sound like absolute cheesy filth. We strive for a better class of smut around here. The truth is, it’s really difficult to write porn without sounding so filthy that hell won’t even have you. On the other hand, you can run the risk of not being descriptive enough, something that may lead to no one wanting to read your smut because it isn’t smutty enough. There is a fine line between erotic stories and just out and out raunchy sex. For instance, do you call them boobs, breasts, or tits? Well, if it’s in the heat of the moment, maybe it’s her “heaving bosoms”. If you are feeling wordy, you could say “her breasts were perfect alabaster globes”. If you are going for a little trashier, or writing from a man’s point of view, you might choose to go with “Her tits were so perky, it looked like she was hanging upside down”. But when it comes right down to it, how many ways can you say boobies, without being repetitive, and still make it sexy? Now, naming the Velvet Sheath is a whole other frustrating problem. It’s not that the ol’ vajajay doesn’t have any synonyms, it just doesn’t have a whole lot of sexy ones. We ladies call it many names, but who wants to read something that says “He touched her cooter and she moaned in ecstasy”. I mean, no man wants to hear it called the tuna taco when he’s trying to spank the monkey. It’s just not sexy. Then we have the funny names we use in our conversations: Snoochi, Hoohaa, Oonie, and Coochie. None of those words belong in porn. Then, there are just the ridiculous, cheesy names, which are the ones that generally end up going in the story. These include the honey pot, the cave of delight, the crux of my womanhood, and of course, the lady sheath. Yes, writing erotic fiction is probably one of the least sexy things a person can do. Afterall, how serious can a person take themselves once they have written the words “jiggery-pokery” to express making love? You cannot write “I gave her yearning womanhood a hot beef injection,” without giggling outloud for several minutes. On the other hand, one cannot simply write “they made love” and keep a reader who is looking for smut, interested for any length of time. So, this is my life now. I spend my days looking for four hundred ways to describe doing the horizontal mambo. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it.