Wednesday, March 21, 2018

It Takes A Village, and A Lot of Wine

As most of us know, when on Facebook, our “friends” can add us to any group they want to. One day you'll be minding your own business scrolling through your timeline and BAM! All of a sudden you are getting posts from Death Metal Ninja Monkeys because some well meaning friend thought it was a group you just had to be a part of. I am normally not amused when I find myself joined up with groups like this. I’m sorry, but I don't support Killing Kittens For The Dark Side, or whatever group someone else thinks I might like. My ideal group would be something along the lines of Golden Girls Salty Guide To Life, or People Who Like Their Dog Better Than Other People, something like that.
Well, I got added to a group. Oh joy.

When I realized a good friend of mine had added me to a mommy group on Facebook. It didn't really bother me since I had been an active Mommy to two children, although my kids have all grown up and are making their own lives outside of my grasp. It stung just a little, as I had only recently lost my children to adulthood, but I didn't bother un-joining, I just left it alone. I'm really glad I did. These women are the funniest, most real moms I have ever met in cyberspace. Best of all, there are no Sancti-mommies. No one blinks when someone calls their toddler an asshole, because let's face it, they are. We laugh at ourselves and at our idiot teenagers, bitch about our partners and send glitter dicks to people who are undeserving of the oxygen it takes to keep them alive.

I have come to see that the group mascot seems to be the elusive Mermaid Caticorn, because we all deserve to have a majestic spirit-animal cheering us on when the kids are acting like tiny sociopaths. Which reminds me that I just found out today, through this group of informed members that Target is now selling glitter-filled unicorn ice-cream. This is the fulfillment of all of my inner ten year old dreams. I will be purchasing this ice-cream in the near future, but back to the moms (and lets not leave out the few dads we have).

A few posts really stuck with me. For example one mommy’s toddler discovered his *weewee (*technically called the gomer). That in itself wasn't all that funny, however when he asked her “Mom, can you tell me why my penis isn't squishy?” I lost it.

Another mom let us all know how her week was going by posting a picture of her adorable infant (more commonly known as a tiny terror). He was covered nearly to his chest in runny baby poo that had blasted its way up and out of the diaper. I had to laugh because my son never pooped a diaper that it didn't go straight up, out of the diaper waist and straight up his back to his hairline. I wish I were making that up. I am not.

For Easter, I have seen so many chocolate dicks in bright plastic eggs that I am inspired to try to find one of my own. I’d probably send one to my mom because that's the kind of thoughtful person she raised.

Someone’s grandpa bought a toy microphone off the internet for the grandkid. Turned out to be a big black vibrator. Both grandpa and the kid have been using it to sing into.

Vibrators are a big deal with this group. For instance there is a sign one lady posted that she is going to make for her home. it reads: “Please don't knock on my door to talk about God… I don't knock on your door to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?” She has a point.

So, for whatever reason, these ladies have accepted me as one of their own. I don't sew diapers, and have no one to diaper if i did. I have no children currently living with me, though I do have a one year old niece who poops in my tub everytime I give her a bath, so maybe that counts. They make me remember the good times I had raising my kids and they make me laugh about all the jerky stuff and insane crap my kids did over the years. I will say this; I wish there had been a group around like this when I was raising my tinys. They say it takes a village, and as I learned, it does.  

Ladies and gents, thank you for all the laughs and caring. Thank you for supporting each other and not being judgemental when a mommy hides in the bathroom to pee and sneak a glass of wine. Thank you for building each other up and caring about one another. There's a lot of laughs and there's some heartbreak too. Either way, these women make my day.
Thanks for reading. I’m off to find unicorn glitter ice-cream!

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