Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Log of a Warrior

Captain's Log 00:00 hours
It is always 00:00 hours here in this desolate cave, as no one has bothered to set the microwave since the last power outage. This makes telling the time easy. It's been a long day and I've killed a wild package of Country Style Ribs and put them in the primitive crock-pot along with feral potatoes and untamed onions. Rations for my troops will be ready at 00:00 hours.

Captain’s Log 00:00 hours
As I reached for a cabinet door this afternoon, a crazed stink-bug landed on my hand causing me much consternation. In fact, said insect having found it's way onto my person made me slosh my tomato basil soup out of the bowl I was carrying. I find I am not so much disturbed by the amount of soup spilled as the principle behind the thing. I have noticed for several days that these persistent creatures continue to invade my personal space and the areas around my personal space. Two nights ago one tried to climb into bed with me, but even out here, I have better morals than that. Must find defensive measures.

Captain's Log 00:00 hours
After long deliberation during which the 00:00 blinked many times, I have come up with a solution to the enemy bug problem. I have charged my Dirt Devil v600 machine and have attached the clear nozzle to the end. I will suck these intruders into my machine and never let them go. It will be a long and drawn out death, but I am confident I am in the right in this conflict.

Captain's Log 00:00 hours
I have cleared the kitchen area of four of these insects and one stray yellow jacket. Suction is powerful and insects seem unable to hatch an escape plan. I have tracked down two more of the wily creatures in the living room and though I am currently unable to find one in the bathroom, I know they are often in there. Meanwhile I have sucked a vicious corner dwelling spider into my vacuum of doom. He should feast well tonight.

Captain's Log 00:00 hours
Today has been a successful day. So far the rebels seem to be regrouping and have not yet launched a counter attack. All current troops are hidden away and I am unable to locate them. At first this made me wary, thinking they might be planning an evening assault, but as time drew on I found they had no such intentions. It is now 00:00 hours and all is silent. Should new foes arise, I have my Dirt Devil recharging and ready to go. In my opinion a night time assault would be cowardly on the part of my enemy, but I cannot expect that they are in any way civilized. Note: I have noticed these stink bug beings have wings and therefore are capable of an aerial assault. Upon observing the pilots however, I have noted that they seem to have particular difficulty in landing and usually crash into whatever object is in the way of their flight path. It makes a fearsome noise, especially in the depths of my quiet cave. However, my having discovered that they must land with their face gives me an advantage that I will put to full use.

It's time to retire now. As I put out my fire I turn my thoughts to my loved ones and troops and say with a full heart “God speed”.  I will emerge victorious.

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