Saturday, September 7, 2013

Breaking News


In today's news, it finally happened; the fifth dentist caved and now they all recommend chewing Trident after meals. The first four dentists had always known it was a good idea and eagerly supported the movement. The fifth dentist however would not agree on any terms until now. Sources close to the fifth dentist say that he had, in fact, agreed all along, but the other four dentists were mean to him in dental school and he wasn't about to agree with those jerks. The fifth dentist told us in an exclusive interview, however, that he honestly didn't think it was a good idea. “There was not enough solid evidence that chewing Trident after eating was better than chewing any other sugarless gum. Now, out of your sugar based gums, sure, Trident is a winner, but that's as far as I saw it. I liked that chewing gave your mouth something to do, but I couldn't be sure that Trident was the only way to go”, the Houston based dentist has said. Until very recently he would chew any sugarless gum he happened to have on hand after a meal and said he thought it worked just fine. He stood by his beliefs even when the first four dentists threatened him with an unnecessary root canal. Finally, two of the first four dentists apprehended the fifth dentist and held him at gun point for ten weeks, forcing him to chew Trident after each meal. He states, “After a while, I got to where I liked it. Especially those layered pieces, the kind with two flavors to them. I guess I could see where these guys became so passionate about this Trident thing. It really is a good gum. Effective too”, he quickly adds. During his time in captivity he was fed a variety of foods including a roast beef and assorted root vegetables, all of the common Italian foods including lasagna, spaghetti, ravioli, rigatoni, and “those twirly shaped noodles”. He was also fed baked trout, shrimp bisque, salmon patties and fried catfish. “That gum took care of all the food smells. I produced so much saliva in my mouth, nothing stood a chance in there. I was really thinking I'd have them with the Peking duck, but that gum just wiped all that out”, claimed the fifth dentist. Before he was released however, he was made to write and sign a public statement avowing that he, the fifth dentist did now also recommend chewing Trident after meals. He states he is embarrassed by his reluctance to agree for all of these years and now sees the error of his ways.

Unfortunately, seeing the error of his ways now, may be too little too late. Due to the public backlash his agreement caused, he is now facing several lawsuits. An 87 year old woman in Detroit says that because of his negligence she has lost all of her teeth. “If there had just been a consensus, I would have known better” she laments through her dentures. A small minority even go so far as to say the fifth dentist should spend some time behind bars. One man says “he neglected every US citizen, he mislead us and took us for fools. He should have to pay”. The fifth dentist is already coping with the fact that his dental license is under review and may be revoked if the findings show that he deliberately misled American citizens as well as those in Canada and surrounding territories. His wife pleads on his behalf that he wasn't sure. She begs not to have his license revoked as it would mean he would no longer be able to support his family in the way to which they have become accustomed. She points out that no father would knowingly endanger the teeth of his children, and the fact that he didn't make them chew Trident should be a clear indication that he did not perceive the benefits. “Right now, all we can do is hope the American people and the justice system wont let us down”, she states. But this author asks, what about when the fifth dentist let us down? Where is the justice in that? Those American's that looked to him for guidance were all let down, how will he pay back what he so carelessly stole?