Saturday, September 14, 2013

Ninja Mouse

A war has begun in my home. In my kitchen pantry to be precise. Three days ago I went to get my glass container of spaghetti off of the pasta/ stuffing/ boxed goods shelf in my pantry. To my absolute horror I saw a scattering of mouse “gifts”. I was not a happy camper. Now, I live in the woods in the mountains in the middle of nowhere and an occasional field mouse will wander in uninvited. Especially during the change of seasons, which is what's happening now with the transition into fall. So, Okay, the little varmint had managed to escape my five outdoor cats and my one indoor cat. This isn't really surprising as they are pampered and spoiled within an inch of their lives and probably find mouse hunting rather beneath their dignity. It also evaded two main dogs that live outside and two backup dogs that live inside. He even got past the goat. It was pointed out to me that maybe the mouse got confused, and thought he was at the zoo; there is some logic in that. However, this mouse has never offered to wash the dishes or make a mortgage payment, and therefore must be escorted off of the premises in any manner possible. So, I found mouse traps, got one, dabbed some peanut butter on it and finally figured out how to work it. I am happy to report I did not break any fingers although I thought I would several times before I got the thing set. I didn't mind that it was so hard to set though, it had a hair trigger reaction. I set the trap where the largest concentration of poopies was located, gingerly scooted it back with a pair of scissors and closed the pantry door, secure in the knowledge that the mouse would be gone by morning.

The next morning however, there was no mouse. Just a trap sitting on the paper towel I laid under it in case things got messy. There were a couple of new “presents” around the mouse trap and on one other shelf, but I figured he was snooping around, scoping out the new item and that was just fine. I'd be able to toss him out in the morning after another night of him curiously nosing about. I shut the door again and made dinner out of things that were in the fridge and freezer.

Day two. I got up and swallowing a guilty lump, went to get the worst part of my day over with. Not that I would have actually touched the squished mouse, no, that's why God invented men, but I did have to check. Softly – out of respect for the dead, I suppose – I opened the door and peeked inside. There the mousetrap sat. It hadn't been set off. Still just sitting there waiting to break a finger. No, wait. There was something different about it. Why, there were new mouse poopies and two of them were on the mouse trap. Right near the edge of it, but definitely on the trap. What! Then I realize I am not dealing with an ordinary mouse. No, I am facing Ninja Mouse. He had the gall to come up to my well planned death trap and POOP on it and walk off smug and no doubt chuckling to himself. Well, now it's on! There is no way I am going to let some rodent poop on my parade or my rotini box. I got two packs of mouse traps. I set ten traps through the pantry, four around the pasta boxes it seemed to be so interested in, according to it's little nuggets. Then I found a live trap; this big metal thing with two doors in it and the mouse can go in, but can't come out! Being from the south, I have grits in my pantry even though they are never actually eaten, and I opened a package and dumped some in the live trap to entice the little bugger in there. I spent a good fifteen minutes yesterday setting traps in strategic places, devising obstacle courses and covering any navigable paths. As my son says “come at me bro”!

A few hours later I went to shower so I could go out. I was having really a delightful shower, smelling my pretty bath soap smells and flowery shampoo smells and I had shaved and felt silky and smooth and what the hell is that smell? I dry heaved and thought “Oh God, the septic tank has backed up”. I quickly stepped out of the shower, onto my fuzzy bathmat and peered around the corner wall to the toilet. It looked normal. Nothing that looked like anything had gone awry. I looked back down at my feet to place them back in the tub and noticed on the fuzzy bath mat, there was a stink bug – well, a Stink Bug – because it was the size of a beetle. This was by far the biggest stink bug I'd ever seen! Oh. My. God. That is what that smell is? Sure enough, it turns out that the Ninja Mouse has a Stink Bug land force army and sent a scout out to inform me he would not surrender or go down quietly. I got back in the shower, rinsed off and promptly got my Dirt Devil Dust Buster and sucked up Ninja Mouse's militant little friend, and have no current plans to release the hostage. As a tactical maneuver, I have also gone around the house with the Dust Buster and sucked up many of his guerrilla Stink Bug troops and they will all be punished for their war crimes. I have also taken down his air force WASP unit with a simple can of Raid. This mouse is no match for me.

As I have had things happen that have prevented me from finishing this report, I have an update for you. On day 4 of Ninja Mouse War I, I woke up at five in the morning for no reason I could figure and went to the kitchen in search of midnight eatables. At only a few minutes after 5am, I heard a loud SNAP in the kitchen pantry. Realizing I had caught the Ninja Mouse, I rubbed my hands together, villain style and walked towards the pantry very slowly. RATTLE RATTLE RATTLE! My heart stopped for a second and my brain tried to pretend I hadn't heard anything. RATTLE, RATTLE! OH MY GOD, IT'S STILL ALIVE? I could not believe this had happened to me. I went back to the kitchen island and grabbed the longest knife out of the knife block (always have a bread knife when confronting a ninja mouse) and I climbed up on the table and with the tip of the knife opened the right cabinet door slowly. All the traps were still set and sitting peacefully – RATTLE RATTLE BANG! Oh God, Oh sweet baby Jesus. I scooted over on the table and as quietly as I could opened the door with the tip of the long knife. I hear “RATTLE – BAM!” And the mouse trap flies out the door and lands on the floor. At this point I am doing that scream where you don't make any noise audible to humans and your mouth is stretched out as far as it can go across your face and your lips are cracking and those tendons in your neck stick way out. I open the door the rest of the way and … nothing. No mouse, no rat, no ectoplasm, nothing. Just an empty mouse trap that has been thrown on the floor. This particular trap was placed snugly in between two boxes in the pantry. There was no where for this mouse to go once he stepped on this particular trap. The only conclusion is: He got out of it. There were no body parts left hanging under the tripped trap wire. There was no fur pinched in it. This mouse simply got into this trap and then got himself back out of it.

So my question is simply who in the hell is this mouse? He is clearly a more evolved mouse than the rest of them and possibly should have had a starring role in any of the Harry Potter movies. I know he wasn't the rat that played Wormtail, because that was an animatronic mouse. They could have saved themselves some money though, and simply hired this mouse. This mouse probably is bilingual at the least. I know for a fact he speaks Mouse and Stink Bug, and can read English. I think this mouse is probably the leader of the biggest catnip cartels in the world. He knows what he's doing, that's certain. Also certain is the fact that I will never quit. I will never stop fighting. He may have won the battle, but the war, my friends, the war is mine!

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