Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Nobility in Worms

Dear Internet,

Thank you for being a constant source of delightful information that I will never need. So, this was from the BBC today: Soil Samples Show Richard III Suffered From Roundworm. It's an article written by Melissa Hogenboom. She is a reporter who has so little to write about, that she wrote an article about a scientist who has even less to do than she does. So, the story is basically that they tested the soil in the area where King Richie's intestines “would have been” and found a ton of these ringworm eggs. To validate their findings, they also tested the soil around his skull and around the entire grave and found no eggs where his skull was and very little around the entire grave. It was all concentrated where “his intestines would have been”. That is so... informative. My favorite quote from the whole article reads thus: “It might seem surprising that Richard – who had a very noble background – was infected with roundworm, but this is something that you can pick up very easily through faecal contamination”.

I can just see this roundworm discussion, a rouge roundworm named Sammie, starts the conversation:

“Okay Tito, I say we invade a King for once”

“Dude, no way, he's nobility

Yeah, well, I'm sick of peasants. You wanna live on corn forever? Hell no man! I can't even get a decent piece of venison out of those poor starving bastards!”

I'm just saying, man. He comes from a whole long line of nobility. We could get into some serious crap for that!”

Hey man! I been dying for some serious crap!”

Sammie, I'm serious! What if they find us?”

At this point a hot roundworm chick slithers by. She's wearing a black leather jacket. Her hair is in a bouffant. “What if who finds you doin' what, Sammie?”

I'm tryin-a get Tito to hitch a ride in the king, but he's bummin' me out”.

Tito, you're such a loser. I'd go witcha Sammie baby. I'll go. You wanna go?”

Sammie and his girl light up tiny cigarettes and wriggle off to find the king. Tito is left standing alone, friendless.

But in the end, Tito did the right thing and stuck to peasants. Not only did Sammie and his girl get found out in the end, but their entire family did. They led their whole family down a dangerous path, a daring path, only to be unearthed in the 21st century and to have their dirty laundry aired on the internet for the entire world to see. Shame on you, roundworms. Shame. Never the nobility.

I have no idea where I was originally going with this article. Have a great night!

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