Ripped TP

Okay, here is an issue that isn't from the shower, but close. It's in the same room. I happened to notice that my toilet paper roll looked odd somehow on my toilet paper dispenser. I wasn't sure what the problem was, so I just took a moment to really look at it. Then I saw it. My toilet paper seemed small. Like instead of a toilet paper sheet, I have a toilet paper ribbon. I scooted the roll over to the far right side and sticking out of the left side was a whole lot of dispenser bar – that little plastic thing that squeezes in between the decorative roll holder. Huh. That is exactly what I said to myself: Huh.

The brand I bought was Charmin 2-ply; the one with the red label. You know, if the bears think it's a good toilet paper, it must be. In fact, this is the same toilet paper I blogged about earlier having spent $40 on. I bought four packs of this Double Roll Charmin at $9.99 per package so I could get my two $5 gift cards from Target. So, I decide to do some very scientific research and I Google the words Toilet Paper Dimensions. One of the first sites to pop up is The Toilet Paper Encyclopedia at http://encyclopedia.toiletpaperworld.com. Knowing “encyclopedia” is a very long word that means I can trust their website to be the last word in toilet paper, I open the site. The first bit of information that I find is that standard toilet paper sheet size is 4.5” x 4.5”. The site does caution however that some toilet paper brands are sneaking in as much as a 15% cheat and only making their sheets 4.5” x 3.8”. I am, needless to say, aghast. Who can you trust anymore? I mean really, all joking aside, I always figured I was getting my dollars worth when it came to toilet paper. I just figured that standard toilet paper was something every American was entitled to. Well, it seems I am wrong. There are actually companies out there who are cutting as much as 15% of your toilet paper off of the roll, yet charging you the same amount of money. This is so dishonest! I have blindly bought toilet paper for years! Well, I had to see exactly what the size of my Charmin sheets were, so I grab a measuring tape and head for the bathroom. After making sure I had the ruler in exactly the right place and figuring out what number to call the little line that the toilet paper measured exactly in the middle of and writing all of this down I realized the sheet size is written on the package and tossed the ruler. According to Charmin's own packaging, my toilet paper sheets are 3.92” x 4”. They are even smaller than the ones the Toilet Paper Encyclopedia warned me about! They have cut a half inch off of the length AND the width of my toilet paper! They did not take even .50 off of the price. Nope, they charge me a good amount of money for their double roll toilet paper ribbon. Charmin is expensive! Angel Soft is cheaper and as I recall, the roll fills up my toilet paper holder. And Cottonelle is just lovely, but still kind of pricey, but I bet they haven't cut half an inch in both directions off of my toilet paper.

I don't really know what can be done about this. One never hears of toilet paper lobbyists or an army of TP Regulators, but it seems to me that something should be done. The worst part is, I just bought this toilet paper. I have a whole package and most of another package to get through before I can take a stand (Har!) and buy a new brand. Every time I spin that little dwarven roll of toilet paper I am just going to grow more and more resentful. I know now that I have seen the measurements on the package, I cannot un-see them. Every time I get a new roll out of the package, my eyes are going to travel to that hateful little set of measurements: 3.92 x 4. I will always wonder “who does this?” and how can they look at themselves in the mirror. I would just like the chance to ask the CEO of Charmin what kind of toilet paper he or she uses in their own home. Are they satisfied with a little toilet paper ribbon streaming from their half filled dispenser? I highly doubt it.