Friday, October 11, 2013

A Walk to Laugh At


Dog thoughts:

Koo: “Oh boy! We're on a walk with the girl human! I love the humans. I'm going to walk right next to her ankles to prove how much I love her.”

Me: *As I'm trying to rapidly walk up and down my road in an effort to lose weight I fall over the dog “WAAAAHHHHGGGG, Dammit Koo”

Koo: “Oh boy, oh boy! The human talked to me. She loves me! I'm going to wag my tail and prance down the road so that all of the other dogs know how much my human loves me. She's such a good human!” *pant pant pant. *Pees on the neighbor's fence post “I own that.”

Lucky: “Wait up guys! I'm too fat to go fast! I'm trying to – A PUDDLE! WOO HOO! My day is made!” *rolls around in the muddy water just long enough to emerge looking like a stray dog with mange.

Koo: “Lucky stop. Oh, the humiliation.” *Pees on each of the neighbor's rose bushes “I own those.”

Lucky: “Dude! You gotta try this! Hey mom! Look how great I look!” *with one bound jumps halfway up my body and smears mud from my waistline to my ankles while simultaneously knocking me over.

Me: “GAAAAHHHHH! Lucky, no, bad dog. No jumping! You weigh one hundred and fifty pounds you big barrel!” *I keep walking knowing I'll have to bathe later anyway. I ignore the limp I have acquired from having an obese Labrador jump on me.

Lucky: “Oh! It's too much! The human loves – DEER!” *tongue hanging out and smile from ear to ear she tears off through the trees to hunt the deer that left it's scent there last week.

Koo: “Stupid dog.” *Pees on the nearby pine tree “I own that.”

Me: “Lucky! Come back! Come – oh, never mind... Just don't bring back the bear or a skunk.”

Lucky: *At this point she has no thoughts. She is high on deer and is crashing, face first, through the trees and bushes with the conviction that today will be the day she brings down the beast.

Koo: *peeing on the neighbor's ornamental grass “I own that.” *Finds the neighbor's male cat. Humps it. “I own him.”

Me: “Koo, stop it, that's a boy. And it's a cat. He can do nothing for you”.

Koo: “Silly human, I am not bigoted.” *Pees on the cat so he can find him later “I'll call you.”

Lucky: *wandering aimlessly further down the road “Oh, hi! It's a human! Whatcha doing? Are you out for a walk? I'll go too. I don't know how I got here, really. This isn't where I live. Do you know where I live? Okay, I love you.” *Tries to walk between my legs so that she can show her affection for the seemingly new person she has run across.

Me: *stopping mid stride to avoid breaking my neck “Yes Lucky, I love you too. Go on baby.”

Lucky: “The human named me! Oh wow! This is the best day ever! If I follow her she might take me home! I wonder if she – SQUIRREL!” *Crashes through the neighbor's flower bed, pays no attention to the barbed wire fence as she squirms through it and dashes off into the trees

Me: “Okay.”

Koo: “Hey human, I now own a mini-van, but I'm not sure how to drive it.”

We pass a shallow puddle and Koo see's a neighbor out in their yard. He immediately drops his tail, sucks his stomach in, cocks one ear over endearingly and makes his eyes as big as saucers. Then he walks over and meekly takes a few slurps out of the puddle looking at the neighbor pleadingly. He doesn't have any water anywhere at home, does the neighbor mind if he takes a few sips of the leftover rain water laying out in the road? Pretty please? The neighbor gives me a look that plainly asks how I could abuse and starve such a sweet animal, and Koo, realizing his job is done walks off with a jaunty air.

Lucky is meandering down the middle of the road and spies us. She can't believe her luck at finding a human way out here! The human calls to her and she realizes the human has just named her! This is the best day ever!