Thursday, October 10, 2013

Took a licking and kept on ticking


I would just like to say I am the undisputed champion of licking my kid. In the battle royal, I have emerged victorious though wounded and broken. Tonight began like any other evening. At dinner our family had the usual polite conversation involving Keli's story of accidentally burning what appears to be a Nike symbol in his leg with a heat gun. This was followed by a pants-leg-up demonstration and visual aid to the burn. Robin wished for a longer tongue and I showed him mine which he admired immensely and wanted to know if I could touch my nose with it. Alexis informed us that our DNA is all very closely related to a banana, so I called the banana I was eating “uncle” and bit it. All the phones were piled in the middle of the table so no one could text during dinner, because, you know, we wouldn't want the kids to miss any of that. Keli showed us why he was turning his phone face down as there was a scantily clad woman as his screen saver and he figured it wasn't appropriate for dinner if the picture should come on. He showed us this picture during dinner. Thankfully it was just a woman in jeans and a small top with a lot of tattoos. Alexis cut the fat off of her pork chop and fed it to the dog while asking him if he enjoyed his chicken fat and Dan shoveled food in and pretended we weren't there. So, all in all, a good night.

Well, Robin's tongue question seemed to lead his brain to think it was a good idea to lick my face. Promptly after dinner, while I still had banana in my mouth that little twerp sidled up to me and licked my cheek. Oh, so you wanna play? I was up chasing him full speed through the house and he made a mouse-like screech and ran to his room and locked the door. I knew he was in there! Trapped like a rat! I licked my hand with as much saliva as possible and waited by the door. Keli peeped out and Robin squealed “Don't open the door, dude!” I made a covert “shush” sign to Keli and he being the good son he is closed the door and assured Robin he didn't see anything. I hadn't long to wait and my enemy peeped out of his room and as I jumped around the corner he gave a yelp and slammed the door shut again. The saliva in my hand now being cold and pretty nasty, I wiped it on a dirty towel just as Keli opened the door and I jumped in. Robin, pleaded for his life, but I showed no mercy. I tackled him and we crashed to the bed as I tried in vain to lick his face or hands. I have to give it to the bugger, he was swift and crafty. He pulled out his Limited Edition Dr. Who Sonic Screwdriver and aimed it at me and made the wooopwoooopwoooop noise, but I fearlessly dodged the green laser of death and came at him like a drooling anteater of doom. He outmaneuvered me and threw me off of him just before I was able to land a big slobbery tongue on him and he ran, laughing maniacally, out of the room. Undaunted, I gave chase. In the living room, we had an intense stand off. I stood behind the couch, blocking his only chance to retreat back to his room. I made my eyes wide and smiled wide only revealing my top teeth. This seemed to terrify the enemy and he spent much time in the kitchen walking back and forth, begging me to go away and stop looking at him that way. I only smiled wider and in a mild voice told him to try and get past me. At this, the poor boy broke down into what I can only assume was a hysterical fit, of giggles. He grabbed a kitchen chair and made his way past me like a lion tamer approaching the ferocious beast. Sensing that I could not overcome a chair pointed threateningly in my direction, I opted to let him pass. The silly fool put down the chair however and I streaked after him like lightning while he screamed for dear life and bolted down the hallway. We danced the timeless dance of warriors in battle for several minutes until my knight in shining armor came into view. My son, Keli, came within my sight and I made the universal signal for him to put his brother in a headlock. He softly approached Robin and sauntered next to him as though entrapping him was the furthest thing from his mind. Then he sprung like a cat. Keli head-locked the savage and fell backwards with him into the hallway at which point he wrapped his legs around the enemy's body (Keli is 6'3”, he can pretty much wrap around anything) and pinned him to the ground. Seeing my conquest within my grasp, I piled on the two writhing boys and with Keli's help, I LICKED THE WHOLE LEFT SIDE OF ROBIN'S HEAD! I cannot say it tasted nice, but it tasted like victory and that is always sweet. I jumped up and did the Hero Of The Day Dance which involved hip thrusts and the words “uh huh, oh yeah” several times. It turns out I had not thought my plan entirely through however. Keli let go of Robin and that became problematic. The young scoundrel bounded up and chased me into my own room and tackled me as I reached the safety of the mattress. I called out for my wing man, Keli, but before he could save me from the savage, Robin licked me back in the eyeball. I say that was unnecessary warfare tactics and I plan on filing a war crimes suit against the cad. He seemed to be of the opinion that licking my eyeball was offensive to him and made noises to indicate he was grossed out by the occurrence. I think, however, it was a blitz attack and he was simply using the “grody” maneuver to cover for his aggressive tactics. After I cleared my eye of the majority of the saliva, we bobbed around and traded pokes and punches. Well, I punched and he laughed when I did it, but I think it was all false bravado. At one point he did pull a “no fair” decree when my diamond ring accompanied a well placed arm punch. I don't think it was the diamond poking him though; I am certain it was my might and battle skills wearing him down and causing him unbearable amounts of excruciating pain. Of this I am proud.

So yes, my right eye still burns a little from the tongue thrust into it in such an unsporting fashion. And I had to wash my face again to get the feeling of battle spit and grit off of it. But overall, I am proud of how I defended my honor and the honor of mothers everywhere. You have a sixteen year old teenage boy? Take him down! I brought mine down with a good, old fashioned licking, and you can too!