I would just like to say I am the
undisputed champion of licking my kid. In the battle royal, I have
emerged victorious though wounded and broken. Tonight began like any
other evening. At dinner our family had the usual polite
conversation involving Keli's story of accidentally burning what
appears to be a Nike symbol in his leg with a heat gun. This was
followed by a pants-leg-up demonstration and visual aid to the burn.
Robin wished for a longer tongue and I showed him mine which he
admired immensely and wanted to know if I could touch my nose with
it. Alexis informed us that our DNA is all very closely related to a
banana, so I called the banana I was eating “uncle” and bit it.
All the phones were piled in the middle of the table so no one could
text during dinner, because, you know, we wouldn't want the kids to
miss any of that. Keli
showed us why he was turning his phone face down as there was a
scantily clad woman as his screen saver and he figured it wasn't
appropriate for dinner if the picture should come on. He showed us
this picture during dinner. Thankfully it was just a woman in jeans
and a small top with a lot of tattoos. Alexis cut the fat off of her
pork chop and fed it to the dog while asking him if he enjoyed his
chicken fat and Dan shoveled food in and pretended we weren't there.
So, all in all, a good night.
Well,
Robin's tongue question seemed to lead his brain to think it was a
good idea to lick my face. Promptly after dinner, while I still had
banana in my mouth that little twerp sidled up to me and licked
my cheek. Oh, so you wanna
play? I was up chasing him full speed through the house and he made
a mouse-like screech and ran to his room and locked the door. I knew
he was in there! Trapped like a rat! I licked my hand with as much
saliva as possible and waited by the door. Keli peeped out and Robin
squealed “Don't open the door, dude!” I made a covert “shush”
sign to Keli and he being the good son he is closed the door and
assured Robin he didn't see anything. I hadn't long to wait and my
enemy peeped out of his room and as I jumped around the corner he
gave a yelp and slammed the door shut again. The saliva in my hand
now being cold and pretty nasty, I wiped it on a dirty towel just as
Keli opened the door and I jumped in. Robin, pleaded for his life,
but I showed no mercy. I tackled him and we crashed to the bed as I
tried in vain to lick his face or hands. I have to give it to the
bugger, he was swift and crafty. He pulled out his Limited Edition
Dr. Who Sonic Screwdriver and aimed it at me and made the
wooopwoooopwoooop noise, but I fearlessly dodged the green laser of
death and came at him like a drooling anteater of doom. He
outmaneuvered me and threw me off of him just before I was able to
land a big slobbery tongue on him and he ran, laughing maniacally,
out of the room. Undaunted, I gave chase. In the living room, we
had an intense stand off. I stood behind the couch, blocking his
only chance to retreat back to his room. I made my eyes wide and
smiled wide only revealing my top teeth. This seemed to terrify the
enemy and he spent much time in the kitchen walking back and forth,
begging me to go away and stop looking at him that way. I only
smiled wider and in a mild voice told him to try and get past me. At
this, the poor boy broke down into what I can only assume was a
hysterical fit, of giggles. He grabbed a kitchen chair and made his
way past me like a lion tamer approaching the ferocious beast.
Sensing that I could not overcome a chair pointed threateningly in my
direction, I opted to let him pass. The silly fool put down the
chair however and I streaked after him like lightning while he
screamed for dear life and bolted down the hallway. We danced the
timeless dance of warriors in battle for several minutes until my
knight in shining armor came into view. My son, Keli, came within my
sight and I made the universal signal for him to put his brother in a
headlock. He softly approached Robin and sauntered next to him as
though entrapping him was the furthest thing from his mind. Then he
sprung like a cat. Keli head-locked the savage and fell backwards
with him into the hallway at which point he wrapped his legs around
the enemy's body (Keli is 6'3”, he can pretty much wrap around
anything) and pinned him to the ground. Seeing my conquest within my
grasp, I piled on the two writhing boys and with Keli's help, I
LICKED THE WHOLE LEFT SIDE OF ROBIN'S HEAD! I cannot say it tasted
nice, but it tasted like victory and that is always sweet. I jumped
up and did the Hero Of The Day Dance which involved hip thrusts and
the words “uh huh, oh yeah” several times. It turns out I had
not thought my plan entirely through however. Keli let go of Robin
and that became problematic. The young scoundrel bounded up and
chased me into my own room and tackled me as I reached the safety of
the mattress. I called out for my wing man, Keli, but before he
could save me from the savage, Robin licked me back in the
eyeball. I say that was
unnecessary warfare tactics and I plan on filing a war crimes suit
against the cad. He seemed to be of the opinion that licking my
eyeball was offensive to him and made noises to indicate he was
grossed out by the occurrence. I think, however, it was a blitz
attack and he was simply using the “grody” maneuver to cover for
his aggressive tactics. After I cleared my eye of the majority of
the saliva, we bobbed around and traded pokes and punches. Well, I
punched and he laughed when I did it, but I think it was all false
bravado. At one point he did pull a “no fair” decree when my
diamond ring accompanied a well placed arm punch. I don't think it
was the diamond poking him though; I am certain it was my might and
battle skills wearing him down and causing him unbearable amounts of
excruciating pain. Of this I am proud.
So
yes, my right eye still burns a little from the tongue thrust into it
in such an unsporting fashion. And I had to wash my face again to
get the feeling of battle spit and grit off of it. But overall, I am
proud of how I defended my honor and the honor of mothers everywhere.
You have a sixteen year old teenage boy? Take him down! I brought
mine down with a good, old fashioned licking, and you can too!
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