Monday, October 14, 2013

I'm gettin' a gun


I have had it up to HERE with nature! It's everywhere out there! I'm not even talking about normal nature; no, I live in the mountains and the nature out here is gigantic. This is not your everyday nature. And if it isn't ginormous nature, it's exceedingly clever nature. Seriously, something is wrong with the general population of animals, insects and reptiles at my house.

First off, no matter what species of thing is roaming in and around my house, they all have mad skills. I'm talking about animals that would win Jeopardy, come back as returning champions five times until they got bored and eat Alec Trebek for dinner. You may recall the story of Ninja Mouse, for example. Now this was a mouse who got through six lazy cats, four psychotic dogs and a useless goat. Then, when he got inside he was not repelled by the mint oil I dab in the cabinets and pantry which I do based on the idea that mint oil will deter mice. He did not care that my kitchen usually smells like a toothpaste factory, it didn't bother him in the least. Then I set out a trap for this mouse and it poopied on the trap. That was just vulgar in my book and went too far. So I set out ten mouse traps all over the place and one live trap and after a week that little rodent finally went into the live trap. He didn't have anywhere else to go! There was literally no where to walk that wouldn't have snapped him up. He knew though, that if he went in the live trap I would be forced to let him go, as I cannot kill anything that ever starred in a Disney movie. He was a tiny, itty bitty black mouse that looked up at me through the see through top and asked for some water. I drew the line at hospitality, but I made sure he was set free at the end of the road that night so he wouldn't go hungry.

Then this Saturday, I was mopping my kitchen floor, because I'm wild like that now, and I noticed a bee of some sort fly by my legs but didn't see it go any further. I wasn't too concerned, but for some reason I made a mental note of this. So I mopped and cleaned and did my thing and later got an apple and sat on my bed. Well, I almost sat all the way down, but something poked me in the back of the leg. I felt around there and could feel something in my loose lounge pants, so I stood up and dropped trou in the middle of the floor, assuming maybe it was a leaf or something caught in there. You can imagine my surprise then when I looked down into my pants and found a HORNET walking around in there! Yes, a live hornet was in my pants while I was in my pants! I have no idea how long the little pervert had been in there, but I can assume since I lost sight of the bee thing in the kitchen. What does one do when one has their pants around their ankles and between those ankles is a hornet enjoying a leisurely Saturday afternoon stroll? Well, you slip your feet out of the leg holes as gently as possible and then fold the pants over on themselves, grab a big tennis shoe and beat the daylights out of those pants until there cannot possibly be anything left in them but hornet soup. Then you beat them some more. Then you set them on fire and walk away. And here's the crazy part: I wasn't concerned at seeing the bee-like thing fly by me because they are always in my kitchen. I have sprayed the slit by the left window where they come in, so usually there is a yellow-jacket or five wandering drunkenly around my kitchen banging into the windows until it finally falls on the floor in a fit of convulsions and writhes around until it later dies. Yes, I feel guilty about this too. I can imagine them reaching out to me “Help me! Help me! Oh God, it hurts! Aaaaahhhhhgggggg”. At the end of every single day I sweep my floors and toss out a pile of around fifteen yellow-jackets and hornets. I forgot to mention while the yellow-jackets found their way in the left window, about two weeks ago, hornets started coming in the right window. It's like living in a Stephen King novel and there will be no human survivors left.

Then tonight, just as my darling daughter was about to go take a shower, I hear this blood curdling, ear piercing scream “WAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH”. I'm already grabbing the Raid and I go down the hallway to rescue the princess. There is a cave cricket on the wall daring her to cross it's path and enter the bathroom. This cricket's antenna were as long as my fingers though. It had these long spider-like legs that reached two inches out from it's body up and then down. This damn thing could have jumped to Mars in a single bound. It actually had the temerity to ask me how I was doing and would I bring it a sandwich! I grabbed my can of Raid and sprayed this cricket. And sprayed. And sprayed. And sprayed. The cricket (I swear I am not making this up) lifted it's arm so I could get it's armpit. I turned that thing white with spray. That's how I know how long it's antenna were, because the whole thing was covered in a thick white coating. After I had done his underarms for him, he turned and sauntered off into the bathroom and refused to die until I sent a large human man in after him. He was rude. He was sassy. He was simply intolerable.

Something has to be done. We have a bear, which I mind less than the spiders I see. We have a toad that sits on the porch who is so big that the dogs won't go near it. We have stink bugs in droves. We have hornet sex offenders (can you imagine what that thing could have stung???) I live in a house of bug horrors and they never even help with the dishes. Clearly Raid is useless against these mutated super-bugs; so I am going to buy a rifle. I will buy a big gun with huge bullets and I will dare a bug to come in my house again. Nature? Come at me bro.