Monday, October 21, 2013

Choo can't be serious

Today I worked very hard to not get anything done. I have managed thus far to accomplish that, except now I am writing this blog which throws my plans off a little, but I hope to make up for it by making this post as useless and uninformative as possible. So, while I have been fully engaged in goofing off I clicked one of those adds that always runs up the right hand side of anything and everything you look at on the internet. It was for a website that was advertising purses for sale. I don't even have a choice when it comes to this type of advertisement. If they go to the trouble of putting a purse in their picture, my hand will automatically click their link. I love purses and handbags the way most people love their children, only I don't allow my handbags to get Popsicle residue on them. When I get to this site, which for practical purposes I will call the OohLaLa site, I see that they have not only purses, but shoes and bedding and clothes and even a whole section dedicated to cashmere. I am so happy that I found OohLaLa. I know that we will become close.

Naturally the first thing I did was click on the big square that showed all the purses (I could already smell that new purse smell) and wait for the clearance deals to come to me. When my poor, slow internet finally quit making that obnoxious little circle in the corner of the tab, and the page was fully loaded, I looked at the page and my eyeballs dried up into little sandy orbs, shattered and fell into my lap like a piece of broken terra-cotta. I couldn't believe my dehydrated eyes! I've never seen a clearance sale like this. The third purse in was a Hermes Brown Calf Box Leather Kelly Sellier 35cm bag on clearance for $8999.00. Just so you don't think you read that wrong, that is eight thousand nine hundred and ninety nine dollars of money! On Clearance. I backed away from the screen afraid they might charge me for just having had the temerity to pull it up on my computer. They can trace those IP addresses! I swallowed a lump in my throat and made sure I was the only person in the room and scrolled down the screen to look at more of these handbags. Then I got up and shut my bedroom door, because I have one kid at home and you don't want him walking in on you looking at something like that! As I scrolled down this list of clutches, totes, hobos and satchels I felt more and more shame. I realized that up to this point, true story, I have never paid Eight thousand dollars for a car. Granted, I drive little turd cars that don't impress anyone, but that purse was more valuable than my current automobile. Then as I became confident that the kid was occupied in his own room and probably wouldn't walk in on me, I slipped under my quilt and clicked on the shoes tab. Jimmy Choos, Minolo Blaniks, (which may not be spelled right), those shoes they buy by the dozen on Sex in the City... these shoes are the price of a house payment. And most of this stuff is on sale! Granted, I could get a pair of Jimmy Choos for only $300, but this shoe had a five inch stiletto heel that was alarmingly skinny. I've seen roofing nails that were thicker, and it had one patent leather tiny strap across the toe and another teensy strip across the ankle. This shoe practically didn't exist and they still wanted $300 for it. Now, I agree that I see no reason for Payless Shoe stores to remain open. Their shoes fit horribly, they hurt your feet and they self destruct after two weeks, very much like a letter to James Bond. No one ever said that store was a blessing on the shoe community, but I could buy my own Payless store chain for what they want for some of these shoes!

The scary part is that as you scroll down these pages of handbags and shoes, they leave up the pictures of what has sold out. Someone is buying this stuff. It makes me wonder if this is like Oprah's idea of Wal-Mart. She goes to this shop for the blue light specials and congratulates herself on being so very thrifty. Yes, I do realize celebrities spend ungodly amounts of clothes on their wardrobes, and that doesn't really bother me. They do have to work for their money and sell their bodies and no doubt their souls at some point, so that's fine. But I'm not sure celebrities would shop at this site. It looks to me like it's geared toward middle America. Your everyday Joesephine who maybe has a few extra credit cards. I always knew and was fine with the fact that America had this elite list of fabulously wealthy people: Bill Gates, actors, Wall Street CEO's, but they all seemed very separate from me. I assumed I was the majority. This site has unflinchingly pointed out to me that I am absurdly poor and that I will never be able to even smell an Hermes bag, much less own one.

Then I remembered that even if I were to somehow end up with one of these fabulous bags, some fairy godmother just plopped one in my lap, I would 1. Never take it out because I wouldn't want it to get messed up; and 2. Be that obnoxious person who works the product name of my bag into every conversation about everything at any time. “Oh, I'm so sorry you're upset. Here, let me pull a tissue out of my Louis Vitton bag. You'll notice the soft calf-leather handles that I need to set to each side as I dig in my Louis Vitton bag for your tissue. Now don't cry dear, your tears will spot the supple leather of my Louis Vitton bag”. Oh, yes, I would be that girl, I just know I would.

So, I will happily go back to buying my purses at ROSS and TJMaxx and buying my shoes in the mall and buying my clothes at any online sale I can find, because really, it's just going to be out of style in another season anyway (Not that that will make me stop wearing it. I'll just be wearing stuff that was in fashion a decade ago). And, in the meantime, when the kids aren't home and the hubby is off at work I can always sneak in my room, shut the blinds and lock the door, slip under the covers and look at handbags on the internet. No one has to know.

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