Wednesday, October 9, 2013

zzzzzzzzz........


I am writing today's blog during a brief moment of consciousness which could end at any time. If I can stay awake long enough, I will explain.

For the last several days I have been so sleepy that I have had to take naps in between naps because I found them too exhausting. I have slept all night, gotten up in the mornings and zombie shuffled my way around my house until about 9am at which point I would crash into bed and sleep until 1pm. I'd wake up, have a peach or plum which I would eat with my head facing down so I didn't accidentally fall asleep and choke on the pit, shuffle back to bed, sleep until 4pm, make dinner for my family – at this point I'm hoping it was always made out of standard food products and not, say, shoes – and I would ooze back to bed and not eat or wake up until morning at which point I would do this all over again. If my brain was active for enough time, I usually decided I must be getting sick and my body is sleeping to fight off whatever crud was invading it. I had not counted on my attention span as being the reason that I couldn't remain upright for more than ten minutes at a time.

Anyone who personally knows me knows that I have to take a vast number of various medications. I got blessed with the garbage disposal of my family's gene pool and all the stuff no one else wanted, they gave to me. I have taken so much medicine for so long that I don't even have to look at the labels anymore and can even tell you what medicine is in the bottle by just listening to the sound the pills make when you shake the bottle (I got bored one day). So at night I just grab a bottle, open it, dump out the required number of pills and move on to the next bottle. Sometimes I do have to dump out more than one pill because my insurance will normally only pay for the lowest dose on a prescription. One prescription I have requires me to take 60 milligrams. My insurance won't pay for the 60 mg capsule, but it will pay for me to take three of the 20 mg capsules. Go figure. Anyway, I was groggily looking for my morning medicine at seven this morning and I was digging through my box o' pills to find the right bottle. You know how sometimes you will see something, but you don't realize what it is right away? It's like your brain puts it in the in-box, checks it's messages, gets some tea, talks to some of the other organs then comes back and starts on the stuff that got put in the in-box. Well, after I dug out the right bottle, took the right pill, put the lid back on the bottle and was about to close the box, my brain got to the top paper of the in-box and read the memo that said “Look at that Baclofen bottle again”. Baclofen is some kind of muscle relaxer I have to take every day to ward off tension headaches which quickly turn into debilitating migraines. I knitted my brows, plunged my hand back in the box and dug around until I found the bottle of Baclofen, which reads “Take a half tablet every night before bed for muscle tension”. Oh no. Oh, really! OH NO! That explains so much! I got that refilled several days ago and just dropped it in the box. They changed the dose. I have been taking TWO of these pills every single night! I did not read the label, I just kept on taking the stupid things without ever thinking that they might have made the pills FOUR TIMES STRONGER and had me only take half of one! Dear God! It's a wonder I've been able to stay awake at all! My muscles should be so relaxed at this point that I am probably made less of muscle and more like pulled taffy! Well that explains why I can't stay awake, because I know very few alert puddles. Jeez, are you kidding me?

So if you will all excuse me, I am going to go back to bed for a while and sleep of my months worth of muscle relaxers. I've laid a towel down to catch the drool and I hear they make diapers that fit grown-ups. I'm gonna have to check those babies out!

My guardian angel probably has his hand smacked firmly to his forehead by now.